What is on my mind tonight?.....

I have been thinking... but, who hasn't right? I am going to post more things about what i want to do in my life and where i want to go, where i want to be. My hopes and dreams. My love and fears. But right now, i really don't have anything on my mind. So if i get something i'll post later about it. :)

Final Life Line

I have decided to make a new FB account, because i have received too many negative comments about me and James getting married. I respect their opinions but there is a point, where u cross the line, and it just gets downright mean and unnecessary to say anything further. I am going to marry James, those of you who support us in our life, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Those of you who don't, i don't hate you, but it's getting ridiculous and out of line. Thanks for your time.

Mixed Feelings about this..

I am in a place in my life right now, where i need to make some big, kinda tough decisions. I am going to marry the most wonderful man in the world on May 21 3013, which i presume is going to be the happiest day of my short life. ;) I might be pregnant, which is why i'm going to test tonight and i'll tell you the results tomorrow. I kinda want to be, but I think this might be one of those you have to be 100% sure of what you want or there's going to be problems, so I do. Hoping it's a girl. ;) Boys are too fucking messy and violent when they grow older. aughhh. Don't want to deal with that, but if it is a boy, i'm going to raise it better than my bitchy mother raised me. I'm not sure if we are going to be financially able to raise a child, but hopefully we will make it through without anything too bad happening. I just kinda wish i had the support of my family on this, but currently, they are not talking to me at the moment. Well, that's all that's on my mind at the moment, so if i have anything else, i'll post it on here later. :) Thanks for being there for me all my loyal readers and fellow bloggers. :)

Life, Love and well, James. :)

I have exciting news! I am now engaged to the most wonderful guy ever! Our wedding date is set for May 21, 2013. I will be sending out invites in the middle of March of 2012. If you are interested in getting one, just R.S.V.P. on my facebook. :)

Music and Army Boys

I have faith that you can fix my heart.
and while i write to you
the sound of gun blasts fill the air
and your shouts of orders echos.
the tears in my eyes
makes it harder to let you go
and until the sun crystalizes into shadows
i'll be here waiting.

I miss you baby. :)

Not Over You

If you asked me
how i'm doing
i would say i'm
doing just fine
i would lie
and say
that your not
on my mind
i would go out
and i'd sit down
at a table set for two
and finally
i'm forced to face
the truth
no matter what i say
i'm not over you

Seconds Away

Gasping
I suck in polluted air
and burn my lungs.

Scratchy
the surface of the rope
lays around my neck
ready to jump

Submerged
my head feels light
my body is waitless
held down by a cement block

i'm seconds away
on death's doorstep
hand in hand
walking away
into darkness

the light flickers
then it's gone..

Your Abuse, My Love

I'm covered with your scars
you made me bleed

i've enjoyed the pain
you forced on me

woke up with bruises
knowing what night would bring

and i was never scared..

Gone

Buried six feet under
barely hearing you
never seeing your tears

i never meant to leave you
with all your scarred emotions
that make you scream

i hope you remember
it's not your fault
i was so weak

couldn't hold on
didn't want to
rather bleed out

now
i'm
gone...

New Start

I have created a new start for myself. i am done with treatment. i have won the war against myself and the world. I have something to prove it. I went out sunday night and got three new tattoos. one is a cross on my left hand near the smallest finger. the other two say "Stay Strong" one is on my left wrist, the other is on my right. they are there to remind me that whatever happens in my life, i can handle it, and i don't need the physical pain i bring to myself. i'm still ashamed of the scars on my body from cutting, and burning and just plain violence. There is a song that inspired my to get the tattoos. She is my idol, and i respect her entirely. Her name is Demi Lovato and she went through the same things i went through. she recorded a song called "Skyscraper". You'll find it on youtube. Please listen to it. No rude comments either. Thanks Demi. I'm so proud of u and everyone else out there who is bullied and goes through their own addictions. Stay Strong! <3

Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happyness :)

I'm not sure what's on my mind right now, so i'm just going to write down what i'm thinking about.
;)
Relationships are overrated. They bring you nothing but heartache and pain, and hell!, who wants that. :) I sure don't. So, i'm happy being single, and focusing on my music, and novel. I'm considering going into jobcore, but am still undecided. Not sure. :) I just noticed my pants are fraying, and my computer is freaking out. :p I am a vegan now! It is soo hard but it is soo freaking worth it. :) Listening to The Last night by skillet. and Sing by My Chemical romance. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiBsoFYIoEo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTgnDLWeeaM

and for old times sake, i'll put this down too. ;p

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6EQAOmJrbw

Poem for C.J.

No matter how hard i try
the tears won't come
not for you
i'm tired of falling
when your not there to catch me
i still love you
i opened our chests
and put our hearts together
but yours went into shock
and stopped
i left my glass eyes
in your room
the new girl
fingers them
wanting them.
she should put them
in place
to see how much
you hate love.
to see how much
you hated me.

New Perspective

feeling drained
and out of perspective
going this road alone
waiting for that
one chance that will
break me
from the flow
looking out of a
stained glass window
seeing the world
in different colors
makes life
a little more
interesting.

a shattered heart

I'm winning,
then all of a sudden
i've lost the game.

Why did u treat me
like a pawn and move me
in the wrong direction.

Hearing your victory
trying to make me understand
that it wasn't a game.

Thousands of other girls disagree
with your point of view
why can't i?

I'm done playing
if i can't play my way
goodbye.

A thousand Knives

I'm tired of pretending that your not hurting me.
I'm tired of alot of things.
I just wish life would take it easy on me.
I'm sick of the bruises,
and cuts,
and scars from you
pushing me in the fire.

game of life

There is something wrong when a figure of authority (lunchlady=mom) stamps a child's hand for their parent's lack of money. WE ARE ALL DISPOSABLE PAWNS IN THE GAME OF LIFE. We are not strong enough to fight for the things we care about the most. It sickens me, and i'm tired of watching the government tear innocent people down. Bring them to their knees. we are supposed to be a country of free people. No one controls our fates but us.

Is Obama trying to destroy the country he's sworn to protect? This question has been burning in my mind for weeks now. I've listened to Glen Beck and other talk shows and all i hear is that we the people are failing to protect the country we are trying so hard to fight for. Why are the soliders over in other countries? They are trying to fight for freedom. Fight to free us from dictators. From others who would do us harm. Trying to fight for this country. She needs us now, more than ever, and we're turning our backs.

I realize this is nothing like anything i've posted on my blog so far, but i'm truly frightened by the future. It's hard staying strong, when your future is crumpling in front of your eyes, and theres nothing you can do to help. I understand that the whole "end of the world" is total bull. The end of america is a different story.

I'll write more later. I'm tired. I have to mop. That sleep guy whats-his-face better sprinkle some "sleep dust" on me tonight or he's in for a world of pain. :)

Goodnight Fellow Bloggers!

-Kelly (Lia)
(I just feel like a Lia today. Look up "Wintergirls" by Laurie Anderson to understand the backstory. Literally.)

The Only Exception

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I've got a tight grip on reality,
but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning
when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.

You are the only exception. [x4]

You are the only exception. [x4]

And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing.

Suffering

For the past couple months i have been suffering from depression. I am only speaking out about it now. Last night i swallowed a handful of pills that were suppossed to kill me, but i am still alive. I am confused, and feel alone. Everything is complicated and i don't know who to turn to. I'm frightened. I want help, but not sure how to get it. If anyone reads this, please give me some insight, or advice. I could really use some help. Thanks.

Found? I finally found you.

I have finally found it. Love. Isn't it a magical word? I can't believe it. It feels soo good! :) <3 we went to Lagoon sat, and he pulled me under the waterfall with him on the rapids. Meanie. :) You know who you are. ;) I didn't think i'd ever be this happy. Whenever i think of it, i just smile. He makes me feel so wonderful! :) i'm posting a vid, later so. :) Peace!

Impossible

Why is it so hard to love you?
Why is it so hard to say i love you?
i'm with someone else,
but when i am,
i'm thinking of you
when his lips meet mine
or his arms wrap around me,
i can't help wishing it was you
kissing and holding me
sometimes i wonder
if it would be better for us both
if i never made the first move
emailing you, wanting to meet
it started with a promise,
but things change
feelings change
we're in too deep
but i can't love you
why is it so hard to love you?
sometimes i wish i could
say those three words
out loud
all i can say is
"Olive You"

Ke$ha - Kiss N Tell

oh.. fuck..

so. my family found out that i was smoking and drinking over at my friends house.. and their still giving me shit about it.. yeah so i do that stuff. who gives a shit? it's my life. leave me the fuck alone. gawd.. you can't do anything about it so lay off. that's all i had to say.. :)

just shit... my choice in guys is shit..

why am i soo stupid? every guy that i have dated so far has either been a cheater or a player.. believe me there is a difference.. can't trust anyone anymore.. i was originally going to make this a long post about my feelings towards guys, but i really don't want to talk right now..

Hollywood Undead - Pain With Lyrics

This is basically what i've been feeling lately. in a nutshell.. i hate this..

"she can paint a lovely picture, but this story has a twist. her paintbrush is a razor, and her canvas is her wrist."
you can't escape. it won't let you go.. your bound together by the blood you've drawn.. anna is here to stay
she makes you think your strong, when your very weak.
your body falls to pieces and your bones cave in.
you outline whats left of your skeletal self with your finger
a sigh escapes your lips
and a tear falls from your closed eyes.

Moving to west Jordan. That's were I've been for the past week for those of u who r wondering and keep posting on my wall and texting me. Seriously guys. Am I expected to live in the same house the rest of my fucking life? Gawd.

My morning so far

Why am I so sleep deprived? I just spent last night in a living hell. I woke up from the most horrific nightmare I have ever experienced in my life. I've spent the last two months pondering over the 2012. End of the world thing. I ran into a friend of mine yesterday and he shared some of his insight about the whole mess. I am grateful for allowing myself to glance at anothers point of view.

Mood: Hateful

My life should be ending right now.

Missing You

I can feel the stitches of the wound on my heart,
ripping open.
the hurt washes over me as the singers
voice pounds in my head.
Everytime i listen to our song,
i go back to a different time.
before all the hurt, the hate, the pain.
why did you leave?
i knew i loved you, yet i couldn't
stand being with you
these emotions weren't meant 
to exist together
i won't let you hold me anymore
please stop calling
i don't want you to come back
i don't need you
but i still miss you
i was stupid for letting you go.
-Tribute to Caleb

Bits and Pieces of songs

Wasen't i wrong, you decide
should've been strong, yeah i lied
nobody gets me like you
couldn't keep hold of you then
how could i know what you meant
nobody there, to compare, to
cause i know how i feel about you
can we bring yesterday back around
cause i know how i feel about you now.

I-I-I don't- don't want to hear your s-sorry now
the be-best th-thing you could for me is just get it out
s-stop stuttering your words
it's only making you look worse.
hurry up, hurry up
if you ever really cared about me
tell the truth, give it up
your so guilty
cause your stuttering.

Selena Gomez & The Scene - Sick Of You - Lyrics On Screen

I think this song is amazing. She's so good, and it expresses how i feel perfectly.

Don't lie to me.

I hate him.... and her... did he think i wasen't going to find out? I can spot a lier from a mile away. He kept stuttering and i felt like crying. He can't be honest with me, why are we together? Why were we even "together"? No one can awnser these questions. Except him. But he'd just keep lying. I hate liers. He couldn't even tell me himself the first time. he had his stupid little bitch tell me for him. I needed him to tell me face to face. Can you stop calling me now please? I know your reading this. It's over. Just go away.

Mad tv-Michael Jackson parody

My self-portrait

i look into
the small dismal
bathroom mirror.
my reflection is sad.
tangled black hair
cheeks are blotted with tears
big clothes cover
my small matchstick body
my hazel eyes
are stinging red
my hands are shaking
my legs feel weak
i am sick
i am cold
i am alone.
this is how
i fall apart into
little bitty pieces.
this is how
i see myself.

Mumford & Sons - The Cave

Anorexic, maybe... idk

I need your thoughts. My parents think i'm too skinny, i think i'm too fat. I'm 19 and 118.0. What weight are you suppossed to be?

A Day To Remember "All I Want" OFFICIAL Music Video

.... Whatever

Sometimes it seems like nobody cares. I'm alone, and nobody wants to talk. I know i need help, i'm just scared. Someone help me. please. I need to know i'm wanted, and that i'm good enough to keep. It's just soo hard to keep the tears in sometimes, and i'm sick of faking my smiles. I'm not going to kill myself, i just need someone to talk to. Someone who understands.I can't handle this anymore. I don't want to be alone.

i was bored.

Planet Earth is Dying-
I'll protect you.
I promise.
they won't ever hurt you
i'll wrap my blood soaked arms
around your tree-less foundation.
your sickness spreads like wildfire.
the best cure: ignore it.
most people don't realize
don't see what's happening.
i'm getting nowhere.
but i promise,
i'll keep trying
until i grow old and die
or until you give up.
Planet Earth
from the deepest parts
of my own broken heart.
I love you. <3

ROAD RAGE WITH ISHATONU

Where I'm From

I am from pencils, from Maybelline and paint.
I am from the sunlight pouring through the windows.
I am from oak trees, the simple blades of grass, poking up from the ground.
I am from stockings on new years and short stature,
from Shawn and Nick and McFuzzies.
I am from the nerds and crazies.
From settle down and clean-it-up.
I am from the undecided path.
I'm from California and Ireland.
Chicken pot pie, and kool-aid.
From the stitches in my sisters forehead,
the slip-n-slide,
and the ideas of my cartoonist father.
I am from the deep bowls of my mothers closet,
where all my memories are,
stacked high on a
dusty shelf.

Avril Lavigne - What The Hell

Hollywood Undead - Hear Me Now [LYRICS]

Useless Writing

Hear me now:
Where'd you go?
where's your home
how'd you end up all alone?
there's no light
there's no sound
hard to breath
when your underground
can you hear me now?
                -Hollywood Undead

Death of the Red, White and Blue
America is falling
caving in
"we the people"
us
are letting it
this is our home
where we are "free"
free= government puppets
we can't let them
cut us down
one
by
1
we need to fight back
or die trying.

millions of faceless people
watch
as i lay bleeding
on the cold floor
no one screams
no one runs for help
i don't have a voice
i don't care
confusion clouds my memories
of you
i can't remember

-My self Portrait- (2)
I can see
my hallowed eyes
my tangled hair
my broken ribs
my bleeding heart
the tears are destroying
my reality

Why is there blood?
so much blood
do we hate each other that much?
slitting our throats
letting this war continue
and kill our people
slowly
let them suffer
apparently we don't care.

my feelings melted into a notebook

Help.
It's a simple request.
nothing more
nothing less.

I'm sorry hun
i didn't mean it
didn't mean to lie
i regret
and resent
what i did
you say it's too lat
i know
no second chances
my fingers are gently touching
the trigger
when i'm gone
know that i still
love you
because there
is no life
after you..

Every scar
stands for a reason
to why you
left
i counted
27

They say that true love hurts
well, this could almost kill me
young love murder
that is what this must be
the light is fading from me
as you watch my heart bleed
young love murder
that is what this must be
i would give it all
to not be sleeping alone
                -Ke$ha


NO REASON WHY
i can hear someone crying
i can see blood on the edge of a knife
i can feel the hollow emptyness
that someone else holds
i ponder over this pain
until i realize with horror
that "someone"
is me
and the worst part is:
"i don't know why i hurt"

Just a bunch of useless writing..

Sometimes the world hurts you
gives you something
you can't always fight for
it's not fair, but it's
life.

I don't want to hold back
i want to throw myself into the fire
and see you
watching me
burn.

Just a few poems that twisted my mind in class today..

I just realized how screwed up my mind is... when all i write about is death and love.. wtf!! (none of these have a title, just so you know. :) )

there's no room to breath
the air is too thin
i can't write
i can't think
i want to scream
but the words
won't
      come
           out...

someone point the gun
                         at
                                 me.
--------------------------------------------
death stares back at me
as i sit across
frozen
unable to move
it raises the...
and everything turns
black
--------------------------------------------
He is not real
they say he's just pretend
i don't get how they can understand
these feelings
he is real
to me
and i can't believe
he's gone...
--------------------------------------------
i could feel
my bones
are shaking
i'm trying to scream
but it's echoing off the
inside

i could hear
the moans
of my straining
muscles.
their tearing me
ripping apart.

i'm falling away
into dark.

love is for losers

I hate how this world thinks love doesn't hurt
to hell with them.
my air is too thin
i can't breathe..
i hope the end is simple
i'm ready to give up
on everybody
i don't want to
but love is too
strong
i'm too weak.
my heart is broken
shattered and
won't heal
without another.
this is a sick game
and i'm tired of playing

i'm very stressed

i hate taking the bus.. my classes are weird. and i'm in a fight with a close friend.. can this day get any worse?

trees look ghostly without leaves
wind twisting through their branches
crows nest.

Empty=Strong

I was sitting at weber, alone, waiting for my sister, when i saw the chair in front of me, someone had left their gloves.. I get poems from  the most weird objects...

Your chair is empty
empty.
that's how i feel
right now.
this moment
each line
on the pattern
is like a knife
to my heart
that make wounds
that won't ever
heal completly.
You won't ever
come back
you won't care
that i'm alone
empty..

My 2010

I think this year was overall, a good one. Sure i had some bad relationships and i messed up with someone very close to me... I will never know if this gaping void will heal. BUT! There was some good times too. Like, graduation, getting my "privilge to drive" card. ;) meeting somebody new and having fun! I have completed a few of my 2010 goals (thank god) and plan to complete some of this years! I hope this year will be better. Much better.

2011 Goals:
1. Have a decent relationship
2. Publish one of my novels (or at least get it out on the market!)
3. Don't fail any of my college classes!
4. Lose 20 pounds! (no i'm not overweight!)
5. Get a job... :)

That's it for now!
Thanks for reading my blog so far!
I love everyone of you.
Peace Out! :)